Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
