You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
