First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I currently don't understand fingers.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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