we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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