So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
