I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Your cock deserves a montage
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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