i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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