Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
