ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
