So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
