yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I love how my cats smell like pot.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
