Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
