I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
