Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
