I met the friendliest cop last night
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
