I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
