you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize