my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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