How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I want her autograph on my taint
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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