I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
