Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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