I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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