Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize