Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
