You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
