Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
