she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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