I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
