how can u be prego again
time to smoke my breakfast
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
