walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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