if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
