I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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