so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
