1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize