I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
