Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
