my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
