literally had 100 drinks last night.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
