shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
