Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
