I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Panties = found
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