I wish my penis had an off switch
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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