I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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