If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
