i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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