Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he was CRYING into my vagina
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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