First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
