onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Houston, we have a squirter
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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