I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
