i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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