My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My liver is preforming stress tests.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
