i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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