His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
