my vag is so smooth its legendary
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
