I feel great
I just peed on a car
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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