I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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