At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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