put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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