woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
