Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
